Studies have shown that almost 100% of men have visible penises – Part 2


Speed_062PyxurzLittle known fact: Sandra Bullock started out as a female Michael Jackson impersonator.

2) a unique analogy about online dating, or generally, the art of concocting a bizarre coincidence between the initial stages of a relationship and a hollywood blockbuster/well known social thingy.

I think the movie Speed is an accurate portrayal of what it feels like to meet someone you like. The initial phase is wildly entertaining and brimming with possibilities. You’re the lead actress; you have to take control of the wheel even though you’re as clueless as the monkey who got shot off to the moon for no apparent reason. Because if you don’t, the bus will explode. You cannot go slower than 50 miles an hour, or it will also explode. Everyone has to go along on the ride, meaning you have to be fully invested in the situation or else, it will definitely explode. You cannot pause for a while to think because, er, how should I put it, it will explode? Moreover, there is an entire busload of people giving you their two cents worth of which direction you should be taking and you have absolutely no idea who to listen to. Its cockshit chaotic and utterly exhilarating. 

And so, you let yourself have a Sandra Bullock-style meltdown every 5 minutes, but you’ll feel somewhat pretty doing so. Very pretty indeed. Because by this time, you would have started to completely believe that you ARE Sandra Bullock. And all this denial just because you want, or desperately need to entertain the possibility that someone out there may actually like you in a deep, profound way. 

3) findings and learnings of my experience

a) If your avatar stands out in any way at all, you will be noticed

My avatar was horizontal (cause I had a new phone and didn’t know how to rotate the picture without using Jedi mindtricks). It turned out horizontal and that was apparently my most attractive angle. 

Screen shot 2014-08-27 at 10.21.57 PM

It was also a perfect publicity stunt wor.

b) You will be seduced

I was very fortunate as the guys I met all started out genuinely nice and interested to find out more about me. In doing the latter, inevitably some form of seduction will take place. Being not privy to the intricate workings of seduction, I decided to log on to a stock image website to find out exactly what it was about. The below picture came out, now, hmm this kinda make sense to me:

Screen shot 2014-08-25 at 9.43.11 PM

Seduction is a very basic and carnal instinct. A very simple thing I guess. Sadly (or interestingly), most of the guys were attempting this instead:

Screen shot 2014-08-25 at 9.40.59 PM

c) Menstruation does not make you hard to predict. Unpredictability makes you hard to predict.

Guys are very nice. But one thing I’ve learnt is that they can be very complicated creatures as well (sometimes, more complicated than women). Case in point. This guy went all the way to my workplace in an attempt to send me home. What started out as creepy stalking (he had somehow figured out where I lived just by the way I look, not very much unlike the way the police managed to catch the woman who pooped at Holland Village MRT based on just her back view), eventually turned into a rather sweet attempt to get to know me better (we talked for quite a while, but I declined to be sent home and he graciously backed off). We exchanged numbers and shared a few conversations in the fashion of Richard Linklater’s “Before Sunrise” and “After sunset” movies. 

Guy: ” Hey lets meet up for drinks or coffee sometime soon! Do you like coffee? This saturday?”

Me: “Yah coffee’s good, Saturday’s good as well.”

Now, here comes the part you would never expect. After agreeing to coffee on Saturday, the guy never replied with the venue or timing. In fact, he never replied ever. This is baffling, considering the fact that he did not, in fact die (he was still changing his whatsapp avatar regularly..I think death can only do so much for a person, and changing whatsapp profile pics ain’t one of the things it can do).

2139558

So yah, guys are complicated. 

d) You will also meet the guy you like who doesn’t like you back 

Now this one is slightly more difficult to talk about. In the world of speed/online dating, your ego is almost in a constant state of flux. One minute you’re Miss Congeniality and the next you’re Miss Congeniality II Armed and Fabulous (that movie was not so fabulous, huh?).

I guess the best thing to do is to not take things personally and moonwalk away from a potential embarrassment (you don’t have to grab your crotch while doing so, just keep it as low key as possible). 

However, if you can’t help but flip out, don’t be basic about it. Go big or go home. Point fingers, brawl, make nasty accusations, cut off all ties with this person and really finish him off by spreading a nasty rumor. For me, I like to tell people that this asshole whom I dated had a threesome. What’s so shameful about a threesome you’d think…Let’s just say it was more of a two pin plug situation. 

Two-Guys-A-Girl-And-A-Pizza-Place-1-SLATE._V143073115_SX385_SY342_

My favourite 90’s sitcom of all time. 

Well, fortunately I’ve never actually dated an asshole before.

In the next part, I will DEBUNK ALL THE THINGS YOU EVER KNEW ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. 

(To be continued…aka I finally get to the point.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s