I think a lot of 16 year olds are really gonna love this post.
I handle my emotions like a rock star. Which is why in the past month, I let myself lapse into one of the most stressful and miserable periods of my life, and even now am reeling in the aftermath of that big bout of misery.
Whether it’s a relationship or friendship, losing that positive feeling about someone is a painful process. It’s not difficult to lapse into complete misery when you realize all the time you have invested to keep up with the relationship, the genuine concern you have shown and all the things you do that you thought the other person treasured you for were not received, but taken. It is a very sad thing when you start thinking of the other person as a thief, when you used to think that both of you would make an awesome twosome that could achieve great things like fighting pollution, or saving North Korea from Kim Jong Il’s son.
You notice all the small actions that were done intentionally to hurt you, but you have to stay quiet about it. And after a while it becomes completely impossible to hang out with the person anymore because you end up paralyzed and paying too much attention to only the small petty details. Having ill-thoughts of a person is very similar to being haunted by a ghost. Even if you tell others, nobody will believe you. And so you react badly by indulging in even more childish actions, only to realize that, seriously nobody gives a damn about it, it’s not like Michael Jackson came back to life or anything.
You cry alot, but you know all the tears shed are again stolen property, something you give to others but are never going to get back. And there is nothing productive about crying, not that all the tears are gonna run into the river and help out with the water cycle and the earth in the name of science or something. You then realize that the person who can heal you the most is the one that does nothing about it. Like my dog, I can tell him the entire ordeal and he’ll still pee on my new Zara shoes, no excuses.
You come out of the whole thing greatly scarred but you can never admit it because you desperately want to play the role of the winner, but it becomes a secret that you can’t wait to let out and that makes you feel even more miserable. And there is no way you can tell others about it without appearing like the loser, because deep down, you know it was your own fault; you ate too much curly fries and now you have to battle high cholesterol. The curly fries didn’t beg you to eat them, it was your own conscious decision.
In the end, even as you are slowly letting go, you wonder, all that misery felt must be for the sake of something larger, something meaningful. You try to make sense of it and you believe that there must be a philosophy you can master from all this bullshit, a philosophy or way of thinking that’s gonna make you a better person out of all this.
I haven’t figured it out yet, but I’m sure it’ll get to me sometime later, the day when I learn to laugh about all these bullshit.
I look forward to that day.