I think I have an uncanny knack at being uncool. One of my earliest memories of self-embarrassment was during the first day of primary school; somehow my “little pony” backpack had tangled up with my water bottle and I couldn’t free myself from the two. It was like a really vicious love-triangle…and so I did like what most kids do. I wore my backpack and actually sat on the water bottle throughout the entire lesson. My teacher must have thought that I had some mental problems or something cause she didn’t say a thing. I had to murder everyone in that class just to make sure that no one besides myself survived to tell the tale. But of course I didn’t. And that’s only because they all became ninja fighters whose levels are way higher than mine.
It’s like I was born with the ability to be pathetic or something. Those earlier incidents used to cause me a great deal of embarrassment but I’ve since gotten so used to it that I treat it as merely something amusing or worse, like a unique part of my identity. It’s like if you ever overhear a conversation about me between 2 friends, it’s probably gonna be like this:
Friend A, ” Hey, you know Liz? Wanna have coffee together sometime?”
Friend B, “Who’s Liz?”
Friend A, “You know, she’s the slightly, erm, …uncool one?”
Friend B, “Oh hoho… You mean that one who asked the Japanese cashier whether he had any ass (お尻O-shiri) instead of change (おつりO-tsuri)?”
Anyway, I think being able to ask anyone whether they had any ass with aplomb is epic cool. That or I am just trying to console myself.
And so I am going to admit to some of the really uncool things that I often do because I think it’d make for great reading. I figured you already know that this is going to be quite an interesting post. But let’s try to keep this among ourselves, yah?
1) Mouthing the lyrics to songs while shopping at Topshop:
Topshop has a great playlist, period. I know most of the songs so why not?!
2) Pretending that I was chewing gum when someone spot me mouthing the lyrics to some song playing at Topshop:
I’m just fast at adapting to the situation like that. Lightning fast.
3) Always reading in the toilet:
5 years ago, my status updates would have been this: “Reading 8-days in the toilet” 80% of the time.
It still is.
4) Pretending to be a Japanese in Japan and Singapore and.. basically pretending to be Japanese all the time:
Forgive me for forsaking my country, but sometimes, I just don’t feel very much like being Singaporean (to whom, troll-praming, or tramming (pushing a baby pram in a crowded store in a troll-like manner) and perspiration (the BO in the train is bad…big bad…)) is a national sport.) Pretending to be something you are not is very very uncool. Unless you are part of the cast of “The Noose”.
Someone once said that procrastinating is just like masturbating. Feels so good until you realized you’ve just fucked yourself. I can’t really give affirmation to that but I’ll say its just about right.
6) Naming my blog “Bulletproof Heart”
And also, I have a blog.